Can We Introduce a New Type of Relationship? Cue: Casual+

Some thoughts on the start of fall, modern dating, and Chappell Roan

Happy September!

I’m incredibly sad to say goodbye to summer. Every year, I hold onto it with an iron grip until it’s firmly out of my grasp. But once September is in full swing, and the fall vibes have descended upon us, it doesn’t take much for me to get excited about fall.

In fact, fall used to be my favorite season! I used to yearn for the crisp air, the colorful leaves, and the cozy sweaters. I still love all of those things and wholeheartedly embrace the comfy vibe of fall.

Photo credit: DIYbunker via Pinterest

To me, fall always felt like a time of rebirth and renewal. Want to make a big change in your life? Fall is the perfect time. Maybe it’s ironic, considering winter follows on its heels and the world goes into hibernation, but everything feels new to me when fall starts.

With this spirit propelling me forward, I’m going to switch up today’s newsletter. It’s going to be a little different than my usual content. Rather than talking about creativity, I want to talk about something that often inspires it: relationships. I have my beautiful bestie to thank for this article idea, so shoutout to you, Bri. 

This has been on my mind lately, especially as fall approaches. We’re leaving hot girl summer behind for lit girl fall. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and now seems like an appropriate time to put these thoughts down on paper.

Relationships are hard. And what’s even harder is the myriad types of relationships that exist today. People are getting married, breaking up, hooking up, and seeing where things go.

There are so many terms to define the types of relationships people now have. Friends with benefits, situationships, dating, boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, spouse. The list goes on.

However, I think there’s a term missing, and I’d like to introduce it today. I don’t know about you all, but I’ve been noticing a particular kind of relationship on the rise. From my own experiences and those of my single friends.

Introducing casual+.

Casual+ is a term I coined based on the kinds of relationships I have been having over the last three years or so. I’ve never been a strictly casual person, there needs to be some type of emotional connection for me to be romantically involved with someone else. But I don’t commit to people easily either.

Where does the middle ground leave you?

Murky relationships are everywhere. From my friends’ experiences to pop culture, including in lyrics from pop princesses like Sabrina Carpenter and Chappell Roan, unclear relationships have us all in a chokehold.

Let’s get into what casual+ actually means.

We all know what a causal relationship is. Friends with benefits and no strings attached are often the terms you hear. Essentially a mutually beneficial physical relationship with no emotional or romantic ties. What happens when you’re not in a full blown romantic relationship, but it’s not just a physical thing either? Casual+. Causal+ is the grey area in between those two things. It’s not just physical, there’s something there, but it’s not going to become a long-term relationship either. 

My parents (and my friends in committed relationships) find it baffling. Whether it’s a fling, thing, situationship, exclusive, or dating, there are so many ways to categorize and define romantic involvement. It is confusing.

Casual+ may seem great to people like me, i.e., people that don’t get attached very easily. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to get attached, I do. It just takes me a while to get there. I need to let my guard down and trust, and lord knows that doesn’t come easily to me. Given its casual nature, it’s a low risk situation for those who consider themselves avoidant. It’s also good for people that like to form deeper connections, which is something I require in a romantic relationship.

Casual+ is the connection without the commitment, or at least without the pressure of commitment. If it leads to it, great! If it ends, well, that’s okay. You knew it probably wasn’t going to last. 

Maybe everything I’ve said so far seems great to you. Maybe it doesn’t. To me, it’s great in theory. You see, casual+ comes with its downsides, one of which is security. If you aren’t committed, where is the security that both parties are in this? If someone can walk away at any time, how are you supposed to get comfortable? And if you do get comfortable, are you prepared to handle the emotional fallout if someone abruptly changes their mind? I’ve been on both sides, and let me tell you, neither one feels good.

I suppose this can and does happen in any situation. Relationships and even marriage. The labels give people security though, they’re meant to erase the ambiguity so many of us find uncomfortable. 

I’ve been obsessed with Sabrina Carpenter’s newest album, Short n’ Sweet. If you listen to the lyrics (I’m not judging the people that don’t, but I do question them), you’ll notice most of her songs involve confusion in a romantic relationship. A couple lines that speak to me personally are:

“I guess I’ll waste another year wondering if that was causal, then I’m an idiot”

It sounds better when you hear the emotion in her voice as she sings it, but this hits home to me. It’s hard to know if you’re on the same page as someone else if you don’t have the following two things: the aforementioned security and communication.

One of the biggest hazards of casual+ is the liability of miscommunication. For example:

“You’re confused, I’m upset, but we never talk about it”

We never talk about it! Why don’t we? All of this could have been avoided if we had. If those lines don’t sum up relationships and miscommunications between possible romantic partners, then I don’t know what does. 

Another good example is Chappell Roan. I need to take a moment to just say I’m so happy she’s getting her spotlight. She’s incredible, and I’ve been listening to her music for a while now. The fact that she blew up in the middle of being an opener for other tours is amazing. The crowd when she was performing at a festival dressed as the Statue of Liberty? Incredible. 

Good Luck, Babe! for example, is not only a bop, but full of emotion. It’s poppy and upbeat and you can easily sing along. The lyrics tell a different story, though. If you’re reading them literally, you can infer that she was involved with someone who couldn’t commit to her the way she wanted. Presumably about a woman-identifying person who isn’t ready to admit their sexual fluidity, it’s a heart-wrenching tale. Here are some of the lyrics:

“It’s fine, it’s cool, you can say that we had nothing but you know the truth” 

Clearly, they’re on two different pages.

“I don’t want to call if off, but you don’t want to call it love, you only want to be the one that I call baby”

Again, they’re still in two different places. The person she’s involved with wants her, but only on their terms. When you listen to her voice as she sings it, you can tell there’s some serious longing there. She clearly wants to be with this person, and while they string her along, they’re not willing to be in a full-blown relationship. We haven’t even gotten to the bridge yet, which, if you know me, you know I LOVE a good bridge. 

“When you wake up next to him in the middle of the night, with your head in your hands, you’re nothing more than his wife and when you think about me all of those years ago, you’re standing face to face with, “I told you so.” 

You know I hate to say “I told you so”

You know I hate to say it, but “I told you so””

Obliterating.

Again, you need to listen to her sing this to get the full effect. Don’t even get me started on Taylor Swift. There’s way too much to unpack there, but she’s the queen of singing about broken relationships. It requires its own newsletter. Gracie Abrams also stands out for emotional songs about this topic. Really, there are so many great examples, I couldn’t begin to include them all here. I mean, think about how many songs are about love and relationships. They’re ubiquitous.

The bottom line is, we’re all just out here trying to find our people. Whether that be a romantic, platonic, or familial connection, there’s no denying the complications that often arise. 

Any single people reading this can probably agree with how difficult it can be to discuss romantic connections with family members, married friends, or friends in committed relationships. 

If they’ve been out of the dating field for a while they might not understand the complex landscape single people navigate on a daily basis. They might not understand the nuance of these “in-between” relationships, or as I like to call them, casual+.

They might want to hear all about your situationship as if your love life is a dramatic reality tv show. Or they might be fed up with the back and forth of it all. I know I’ve been on both sides of that as well.

Anyway. As we leave the warm embrace of summer and enter the freshness of fall, I wanted to take the time to reflect on something so prevalent in our society. Connection is the lifeblood of happiness. At least, to me it is. Yet, with all this variation, it can be a really difficult, lonely thing.

If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone. No matter how you choose to live your life or form connections, you are heard and seen. Sometimes, that’s all we need.